Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Jehovah buried,Satan dead


"Jehovah buried,Satan dead" by e.e. cummings

Jehovah buried,Satan dead
do fearers worship Much and Quick;
badness not being felt as bad,
itself thinks goodness what is meek;
obey says toc,submit says tic
Eternity's a Five Year Plan:
if Joy with Pain shall hang in hock
who dares to call himself a man?

go dreamless knaves on Shadows fed,
your Harry's Tom,your Tom is Dick;
while Gadgets murder squawk and add,
the cult of Same is all the chic;
by instruments,both span and spic,
are justly measured Spic and Span:
to kiss the mike if Jew turn kike
who dares to call himself a man?

loudly for Truth have liars pled,
their heels for Freedom slaves will click;
where Boobs are holy,poets mad,
illustrious punks of Progress shriek;
when Souls are outlawed,Hearts are sick,
Hearts being sick,Minds nothing can:
if Hate's a game and Love's a F---*
who dares to call himself a man?

King Christ this world is all aleak;
and lifepreservers there are none:
and waves which only He may walk
Who dares to call Himself a man

*That was my own edit; didn’t want bad words on my blog

My current favorite poem. It belongs in a sermon, the kind like lightening and thunder and cool, torrential, saving rain I pray one day to preach.
“Jehovah buried,Satan dead” is such a pithy yet complete summary of the gospel. Old Awful Jehovah—awful in Rudolf Otto’s sense of the numinous, of the sacred which fascinates us yet terrifies us—is buried. Jesus is fully God and fully human, and for that eternal moment of Good Friday, buried. And on its heels, bursting forth, with no space for a comma: Satan is dead!
But we worship Much and Quick, slavishly devoted to our computers, iPhones, microwave cooking. We conflate status quo with obedience to God, and like Soviet comrades under a Five Year Plan remain tethered to the great oppressive machinery of productivity, of busyness, for things which are not God’s things.
This is what man does. Who, then, dares call himself a man?
If we call Jews “kikes,” and only one Jew can save us…
We are all liars screaming for truth.
All slaves to sin, as Paul says, too.
Hate is our game.
We shriek in the name of Progress, not the coming kingdom, the only progress that will ever matter or endure.
We equate love with a bad word starting with F, most commonly thought of as happening in bathrooms and couches during raucous frat parties. “Love” that begins with that big F only seeks its own pleasure, and happens not just in frat parties but everywhere opposed to the extravagant, healing grace of Jesus Christ.
So we are, to use the technical theological term, screwed.
Yes, I know, I’m very punny.

King Christ this world is all aleak;
and lifepreservers there are none:
and waves which only He may walk
Who dares to call Himself a man

We are wretched, broken, illustrious punks of Progress. But King Christ dared to call himself one of us. Fittingly, this is the only stanza of hope, and Jesus is our only hope, the only one who can cross the stormy waves, the Atlantic oceans in our hearts, between one another, between what we are and what we are meant to be.
Yes, one day I’d like to preach with e.e. cummings. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Parables of Kirksville

A girl, about four, runs out of her house wearing nothing but a diaper, surveys the street, sees me riding my bike, turns around, dashes back inside and slams the door.

A young man in a pink T-shirt is doing construction work on the corner of Normal and Franklin.

On my first day of work I steal a furtive glance at my boss, dash outside, get a Diet Mountain Dew out of the vending machine, tip-toe inside and throw the cool lime potion behind the filing cabinet for later. 

A man easily old enough to be my grandfather wears two cardigans and firmly clutches his Doritos as he waddles down the street fast as those arthritic legs will carry him.

A guy walks out of Baldwin with a sneaky grin, a messy haircut, and eyes that pierce like ice darts.

The weather turns from hot to chilly to snowy and back again, and nobody says a word but "Huh?"

A man in his seventies and a man in his eighties are drinking Dr. Pepper and Diet Mountain Dew, respectively, shooting the breeze, going from the price of a restored Ford Model-T to the price of life and death and the merits of a Do Not Resuscitate. 

There is an unredeemed scratcher in my purse right now.

Friday, April 12, 2013

A Consummation Devoutly To Be Wished

Like most people, I had to read Hamlet in high school. It's one of my favorite Shakespeare plays  because of the famous soliloquy: To be or not to be? Hamlet is contemplating suicide. He is stuck between life and death, compelled by that which he does not know and tormented by confusion. In other words, he is a college student. 
I haven't taken a look at Hamlet since senior year of high school, during the Great Snowpocalypse of 2011, actually. But there's one phrase from Hamlet's soliloquy that has been haunting me lately, "Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished."
Now, let me be 100% clear. Although I am writing about a suicidal guy's suicidal thoughts, I am not now, nor have ever been, suicidal. I still remember that dark year back in middle my father was in Iraq, my body, mind, and friends were changing more quickly than I could handle, and I sat around brooding a lot. There was in the news a girl my age who had killed herself because she was bullied on the Internet. After the news segment ended, my mother said quite sternly that if I ever did kill myself, she would never stop being angry at me and my brother, then four, would be damaged for life, unable to love or trust again. I knew then, though suicide and depression were romanticized in the angsty preteen culture to which I then belonged, that they are no laughing matter.
But to be a self, to be a thinking thing, is exhausting. My mind races and flies. I can sit at my desk for an hour and think of a hundred different things and feel that no time at all has passed, that I am racing down highways, and sometimes they look like I-44, I-70, I-5...
To be a feeling thing is exhausting, too. To feel you own raw wounds, to see the anguish around you and take it on, like a cross... C.S. Lewis wrote, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung, possibly broken." I read that quote first in the Barnes and Noble in Independence, Missouri, shortly after moving to Kansas City, and did I know then what God had in store for me? No. I had not yet begun to love in this way. Even now, I am sure I do not really understand, but I have come a long way on those highways. Grace has brought me safe thus far.
Freud was right about a few things, dead wrong about a few more things, and in the middle on the rest. (In my scholarly opinion, having taken one class on him!) He wrote about the id, ego, and superego, how our superego continually has to keep the ego in check. Don't think this, don't feel or say that, and the superego continually pushes the ego down, down. On this, he was right. Preserving the self you think other people want you to be is endlessly wearying. 
Hamlet is wrestling with a terrible uncertainty. I know what that's like. I think it's a universal human experience, to feel the same bundle of questions relentlessly claw at your mind. 
And so, with Hamlet, we whisper longingly, "To die, to sleep..." and so end the mental gymnastics. But how do we die without dying? If we believe life still has meaning, if our God-given survival instincts still teach us to cling ferociously to this worldly existence, if we believe Jesus Christ died to conquer death, we don't want to really die. We just want to cease existing as a self for a while. But how do we do that?
Hamlet says "Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." We want to lose ourselves in deep consummation, in holy communion, with something else. The gospel promises us this sweet death of self. When Jesus says, "Those who lose their life for my sake will find it," this is partly what he means. When we are lost in the mission of Christ, there is no more worrying about maintaining a perfect self. The Spirit will move us onto perfection. The Spirit will resolve our uncertainty, and sanctify it. The Spirit will enter into our grief and make us one with Christ in his suffering through that grief. 
Mansur Al-Hallaj was a Muslim mystic who I studied in my Islam class. (Okay, okay, I had to Google the exact name.) He was focused on Tawhid, sacred unity with God, and caught up in trances, would say, "I am Al-Haaq" or "The Truth," an Islamic term for God. He talked about the Muslim mystic becoming like a moth drawn to the flame of God irresistibly and yet consumed. (And this was centuries before Otto talked about mysterium tramendum et fascinas, the terrifying and fascinating mystery that constitutes the sacred.) As a Wesleyan I believe in prevenient grace, that the Holy Spirit is active even in other religions, and this seems to me a prime example. We long to lose ourselves like a moth in the flame, long to feel there is nothing in us but God anymore. We yearn to say with Jesus, "I and my Father are one," and one day we will, because we are co-heirs with Christ. 
Can we experience it now? It's an already/not yet thing, I think. Not yet, not on this side of eternity, will we truly lose ourselves in God. But already we can go a long way. Already we can give up our lives by committing totally to Jesus Christ, to place our identity and purpose in God instead of building up ourselves. Often we focus on the sacrifice this entails, and rightly so. But it is also profoundly liberating. 
How else? We can pray, not by asking God for lots of things (although that's definitely a good thing to do-- after all, the Lord's Prayer says, "Give us this day our daily bread," quite petulantly, in fact), but by simply being with God. Sometimes, when I have had a very long week, I like to lay on the floor in my church and just do nothing. My brain starts racing, but I breathe deeply, feel the Holy Spirit filling up my lungs, and think about God's love enveloping me. I don't have to do anything to earn God's love. Just laying on the floor, he loves me infinitely more than I can imagine. And it's a sweet rest. Just as I am, just as I am, he loves me, and the me disappears before his greatness. I walk away strengthened to go do God's work. Contemplation and good works, works of piety and works of mercy, as Wesley would say, are both profoundly necessary. And in both, we achieve the consummation devoutly to be wished.
We can achieve the same trancelike state in other ways too. A youth pastor talked about how he loved shooting baskets in seminary, meditating on God's closeness, simply being with God. The same thing happens to me sometimes when I play badminton, or ride my bike, or have a friend braid my hair or give me a massage. Rest, God's rest.... 
I should add that my discovery of this consummation has been a great work of God's grace. When I read about contemplation first at about fourteen, I lit a candle (excited that I had been given candle privileges recently by my parents), sat on my bed, and expected some great enlightenment. But my mind just exploded and scattered and I felt nothing special. How slow of heart I was, and how patient of God, to slowly wean me off special feelings of spirituality to the meat of the word and of faith in the Holy Spirit whose wind I do not know but whose movement is always with me. 
And I have a long way to go. I am writing about this in part because I am in need of this consummation, to lay down for a while the relentless question-- what is my vocation?-- and give up my life in God. And God, in his grace, has lead me and will lead me still.  

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

When In Doubt, Sing A Charles Wesley Hymn

This Easter was beautiful and bizarre. So much that comes from God is. I heard a sermon that weekend that deeply offended me. The first thing that bothered me was the pastor preached on the walk to Emmaus, not, explicitly, the Resurrection. The Resurrection story is the foundation of our faith. It is at the very center of the Christian identity. And this was an Easter sermon!
But listening more closely, it became clear why the pastor could not preach the Resurrection that day. He was saying that Jesus heals us, takes our brokenness to make something beautiful, and that is the point of Easter. He even compared Jesus to Dr. Phil.
My Lord is not a TV doctor.
Easter is not about me.
Easter is not about Jesus healing me. To be sure, healing is part of Easter. But Easter is so, so much more. Easter means that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, is victorious over death. It means that we need to fall on our knees-- together as a church, not just me in my special "healing"-- and worship our conquering King. 
Most theological questions can be addressed using Charles Wesley hymns. "Christ The Lord Is Risen Today" contained far, far more sound theology than the sermon I was hearing this weekend. Christ the Lord is risen today; Alleluia! First, seeing the empty tomb, we worship him. 
And we do it joyfully! There is no joy like the joy of Easter morning, sun shining, organ blaring, people on their feet, voices full and golden. Jesus is alive! Woo-hoo!
The next verse, quoting Paul and Isaiah, says, "Where, O Death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!" Easter means that death is conquered. When I die-- if I die before Jesus returns-- I will be safe with God, and upon Jesus' return resurrected together with the rest of the saints to new life. What a far greater promise than abstract emotional "healing."
The last verse says, "Ours the cross, the grave, the sky! Alleluia." Easter means that we must go to our own Good Fridays, take up the cross and deny ourselves, as Jesus says, but in so doing know there is an end, our redemption is coming! Every tear, every drop of sweat and blood, is rewarded by God in the end. We will be caught up in the air, as 1 Thessalonians says, not to be "raptured" but to watch God's new creation! Alleluia! Easter means I have hope when I suffer.
And that's part of why I was so offended by Easter as a promise of emotional healing. Did God heal Martin Luther's emotional wounds? Or John Wesley's? Or Kierkegaard? Or Mother Teresa, who labored in her dark night of the soul for fifty years without relief? Or Paul, who wrote 2 Corinthians "out of great distress and anguish of heart" out of love for the church, who "despaired of life itself," who said that he was being crucified daily for the sake of the Corinthians, back in 2 Corinthians, chapter 4? Or, shoot, mine?
Being a Christian is not easy. Being a pastor is not easy, either. It means riding the roller coaster Paul describes in 2 Corinthians, at one minute full of that great distress and the next full of "great confidence and pride" for the flock.
Something in me snapped, hearing that sermon. I felt inexplicable rage, and I said something to the pastor on my way out that I won't repeat here. It wasn't highly inappropriate; I didn't swear or yell. I just asked a question that I hope shamed him. 
I'm not saying I'm wise. Christ knows I have a lot to learn. But in that moment, I was mad as hell and just couldn't take it anymore, and I think God was, too. 
Hebrews says that our God is a consuming fire. Consumed, burning up, aflame, no longer I but Christ in me, us now, united in suffering...
It was a strange Easter. But I think it was a good one. And best of all, Christ is risen.
Christ is risen, indeed. 
Edit: Just want to make it crystal-clear that the person who preached this sermon is not in Kirksville, and who it was is quite irrelevant to what I am trying to do in this blog post. 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Me, change! Me, alter!

"Me, change! Me, alter!"

Me, change! Me, alter!
Then, I will, when on the Everlasting Hill
A Smaller Purple grows--
At sunset, or a lesser glow
Flickers upon Cordillera--
At Day's Superior Close! 


Emily Dickinson 

I think this is a poem about sanctification. A cordillera is a Spanish word for mountain range. I love the mountains-- I remember them in California and Tennessee, and the Rocky's, taking that great odyssey from southern California to Kansas City, and before that from Virginia Beach to southern California, and before that...
And God was always with me, and he is still, even now, without my mountains outside the window.
Maybe when I am finished growing up I will move to a place with mountains again. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Communion

Lift up your hearts
up 
up 
up   
we lift them up we lift them 

The day I preached my first good sermon Pastor Sheila asked me to help with communion and I just stared at my feet and when it was over she told me to take a piece of bread for myself and I just took a corner and it crumbled in my hands and she said

Always take a big piece.

At the Christmas service upstairs in the living room Pastor Sheila asked me to serve again, and this time I looked them straight in the eyes, and I got electrocuted.

Communion is dangerous

More dangerous than death (or life, for that matter

Pastor Sheila always used King's Hawaiian Bread, not those stale saltine things, and it was light, sweet, and I was floating 

up
up
up
we lift them up we lift them

Every time we have communion on Sundays-- at big church, not campus church-- I watch Richard preside. And preside is the right word, it's like a magic show, he wears his big black robe and I want to be him, I want to tower feet over a table and turn bread into sacrament...

I want to see their eyes
I want to give bread to a preschooler and say, Jesus loves you very much
(because they are too little to hear about blood and bodies, because they hear, and I know they hear)
I want to bless mustached men who think they aren't good enough for God, who will learn better-- soon

He gave thanks to you and broke it and said, This is my body, given for you

up
up
up
we lift them up we lift them

what if i explode what if i

"The Eucharist is the consummation of the whole spiritual life"

lift up my heart?

Friday, March 1, 2013

The Tears of God

There is only one novel I really love, and I say that as an English major. Oh, sure, there have been other good ones, but this novel feeds me in ways no other book has. It's called The Chosen, by Chaim Potok, a story about two Jewish teenage boys living in America during the Holocaust. Ironic, for a twenty year old Protestant woman. 
Judaism has always fascinated me. I have always said if I couldn't be a Christian, I would be a Jew. Candles, Hebrew, their Simchat Torah, when they dance with their scrolls, rituals that enlighten every day. Believing Jews love God in ways few Christians do, I think, myself included.
Anyway, in the book, Danny is a Hasidic Jew whose father is the tzaddik, the chief rabbi of this particular community. Danny's best friend, the narrator of the book, is named Reuven and is an Orthodox Jew, more liberal than the Hasids but still very thoroughly Jewish. Anyway, Danny becomes increasingly interested in Freudian psychology even as he is supposed to be training to succeed his father as tzaddik. He slowly realizes he wants to be a psychologist, not a rabbi; although Reuven wants to be a rabbi, ironically. Meanwhile Danny's father raises him in silence, not speaking to him except when they are studying Talmud together. The silence has been going on since Danny was four years old.
Danny suffers terribly as a result of what would now be considered child abuse. He has Reuven, but eventually because of Reuven's father's zealous leadership in the Zionist community (attempting to establish Israel as a Jewish state after the Holocaust became public knowledge), Danny's father forbids Danny from speaking to Reuven. If he does, Danny will be removed from the prestigious school and homeschooled instead. Danny's Hasidic peers see him, like his father, as godlike, a prophet and not a peer. He is left terribly alone. 
Ultimately he decides to go to graduate school to become a clinical psychologist, using Freudian psychoanalysis to help heal people, going against the long-standing tradition of the community that the oldest son should become the next tzaddik. Danny lives in terror of his father finding out. Eventually Danny's father invites Reuven over for Passover, and the three sit down. Speaking to Danny through Reuven, Danny's father says he has raised him in silence because  his brilliant mind and boundless ego kept Danny from loving. He had to suffer in silence to know pain and be able to carry other's pain. 
Danny's father cries out, "A heart I need for a son, a soul I need for a son, compassion I want from my son, righteousness, mercy, strength to suffer and carry pain, that I want from my son, not a mind without a soul!"
He concludes by saying the silence has done its work, that Danny shall be tzaddik and carry the sufferings of the world as a psychologist, and the silence is broken and they talk again.
I have read that holy book more times than I can count, and every time it haunts me.
Aren't we all Danny? Doesn't our Father God withdraw from us all in silence at times to teach us how to suffer and carry the pain of others, to "walk around inside yourself in company with your soul," as the novel says?
The great Soren Kierkegaard wrote in his journal, "To love God and to be loved by God is to suffer." (He always had a flair for melancholy drama, I think.)
But isn't it so, on some levels, anyway? The promise is that we emerge from the scourge of the infinitely loving silence of God to comfort each other, to heal, to minister, to be priests (for we are all, who believe in Christ, priests of God), tzaddiks
Danny says slowly, thoughtfully, "You can listen to silence, Reuven. I've begun to realize you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and dimension all its own. It talks to me sometimes. I feel myself alive in it. It talks. And I can hear it."
What a terrible paradox-- the silence speaks, the absent God is near, the dark nights enlighten us beyond measure.
Danny's father weeps uncontrollably throughout the book. He often can't finish his breakfast, he prays long prayers, swaying, tears dripping from his gray beard...
Perhaps if we are silent enough we can hear the tears of God.