Glass Half Empty

I am a glass half empty soul. Most people come to know that about me. I remember being very small, young enough to be holding my father's hand, and him asking me how my day had been. I thought about it for a moment. "Well, it was pretty good. But it could have been a lot better." My father replied gently, "Don't be so serious. Just be happy with your day." We have had this same exchange many times since, and ironically I am sometimes the one urging him to be happier with his day. But to use a well worn cliche, good is the enemy of great. Why not be disappointed when bad things happen, disappointed enough to rise up and change them? 
The syrupy, saccharine optimism effused by some Christians drives me crazy. In my opinion, it comes from full stomachs, fat bank accounts, easy living-- not from Jesus Christ. The Bible says we should be always sorrowful, always rejoicing. The gospel involves the deepest joy and most profound sadness. Not despair, but the sadness of God, when we "weep with those who weep" and "wish ourselves accursed," like Paul, like Moses, longing and toiling for the salvation of our brothers and sisters.
I believe we all relate to God differently, reflect God's image uniquely, and I can, must serve God through my pessimism. So one of my favorite passages of the Bible is Jeremiah 20:7-18. (As you can probably guess, Jeremiah is one of my favorite prophets!)
He begins-- "O Lord, you have enticed me, and I was enticed; you have overpowered me, and you have prevailed." The Hebrew words for "entice" and "overpower" suggest seduction and rape. Not the most Sunday School friendly passage! Jeremiah courageously names that he has experienced God as an aggressor, who wooed Jeremiah to his heart but now forces him to stay. It is like that ironic little line in the parable of the talents that always makes me smile, "I know you (referring to God) are a hard man, reaping where you have not sown." Sometimes that's how it feels! How dare God make me do this hard thing? How dare God not let me run my own life?! I am comforted that even the prophet Jeremiah has this sentiment, too.
For whenever I speak, I must cry out
I must shout, "Violence and destruction!" 
For the word of the Lord has become for me
a reproach and a derision all day long.
If I say, "I will not mention him
or speak anymore in his name,"
there is within me something like a burning fire
shut up in my bones
I am weary with holding it in
and I cannot.
This sums up so much of what I believe about the ministry, about calling, about church. Pastors must sometimes be a lone voice crying out, "Violence and destruction!" Okay, maybe not in those exact words. But they do have to point out when things must change, to gently-- and maybe not so gently-- nudge those sheep with the rod and staff. 
And that-- my God!-- that terrifying question! Is it the word of the Lord? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? It is the question life asks us all, the question that drives some people to greatness and others to despair. The book of Jeremiah portrays many false prophets, deemed as such by God because they spoke when God did not want them to speak. Generally it was simple, comforting words. God won't punish you for your idolatry. No worries. And here comes Jeremiah crying, "Violence and destruction!"
How did he know it was God, not his ego, not a strange new PR campaign? God forced him to do this. Raped him, burned him, made him crazy until he screamed, "Violence and destruction!"
I don't think that was in the shiny seminary brochures I've looked at lately.
Would Jeremiah pass the required psychological testing for the ordination process? Or would he be a little too high in the paranoia, anxiety, and depressive scales? (If anyone reading this is wondering whether I'm saying that because I didn't pass, you would be wrong. I did fine on the psychological test, although yes, it registered a bit of paranoia/anxiety, which makes sense given how religiously I lock my doors.)
This section ends with Jeremiah wishing repeatedly he were dead. He isn't living his best life now. He needs to change his attitude. Smile. Be positive. Except sometimes God's word is a reproach and derision, "toil and sorrow" and "shame" (20:18).
Anyway, these are just my thoughts on this passage. I don't pretend to know what I am doing. Well, sometimes I do and then wake up a few days later and think, Who was I kidding? I might end up a pastor. I might also end up joining the circus. Who knows? 
Either way, this God will be with me, "like a dread warrior," seducing me, possessing me. Because the best way to sum up the Bible, to sum up the spiritual life, would be that old saying, "The Lord your God is a jealous God." He made us, died for us, and he isn't letting go.